2C (not two cents)

new tattoo

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:41:53 -0700

i’ve really wanted a Marilyn piercing for the longest, longest, longest time. but the girl who’s done my other ones won’t do it because that particular piercing is really hard to heal, and my immune system is hyper-active. it hasn’t always been like this… i’m still healing 13 piercings in my ears, so at some point, i was normal. sigh.

so, i’m designing a new tattoo. it’s not exactly what i want, but it’s more on the list of ways i’m not like i came into this world. and that’s good with me.

i'm a cat-washing bond villain

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:56:51 -0700

i’m wearing a brace on my left hand because i’ve (once again) mangled it. repetitive motion mishap.

see, it’s not enough that i’m a programmer. i’m a writer. i play the piano (i even still play practice drills with stacks of quarters balanced on the backs of my hands). i knit. i garden. i cook. most days my hands ache. some days, they’re pretty bad. last week i dislocated my left thumb. again. because i also insist on picking up my notebook, JJ’s jumbo-sized cat, stacks of books and professional-weight cookware, all one-handed, with my left hand. it’s happened before. it was bound to happen again. the good news is that i was finished writing my semester projects when it happened. but for now, i’m braced up to protect it and wandering around like a Bond villain.

perhaps i should scowl and glare a lot. look more villainous.

i could cackle. i seem to remember that Bond villains cackle. and i already have the big, white, fluffy cat.

so, the big cat. 15 pounds of muscle. it’s not terribly ferocious though. it has the occasional seizure and can cut your hand or arm to ribbons before it regains control of itself, but otherwise, it sleeps alot, except when it’s tipping stuff over. i gave it a bath last week. soaking wet, it has the body of a tiger, all muscular length and legs. with the over-sized head of a disney cartoon. it’s pretty cute all drippy. JJ walked in and saw it all soggy, “what happened here?” cat was too humiliated to rat me out. so see, i am a Bond villain.

mwahaha

dinner plans

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 00:42:51 -0700

someone is having a birthday.

some people should check their email.

some people would be happier if they accepted the grace that is freely offered.

some people are too serious. like me.

why is Alicia painting that puffer fish?

the most gifted girl in the room

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:59:50 -0700

i’ve been listening to an old recording of nina singing when no one was listening. but with nina, it doesn’t matter if she has an audience or not, she doesn’t sing for us, and she doesn’t write music for us.

if you’ve had the experience, she’s a tiny thing. almost comical behind her guitar and microphone. big voice though. the kind that locks down you throat and forces your eyes closed so you can try to reach that place where she lives.

“and i dream that my voice is heard/in the secret place where i bare my face”

i don’t worry about reconciling my intellect with the mystery of love. it isn’t that i’m not a scientist, or i don’t need my ordered world to be deeply rational. or that i’m not struggling with what Gee calls my “moral” obligation to be an excellent teacher. i think any time “moral” obligations are unmoored from the inside of someone’s brain and set loose on the general public, you have trouble. reconciling morality and my life’s work is fraying around the edges of my thoughts. but i’m not consumed by finding a compartment for right and wrong. truth and fiction.

my mother thinks that i am touched by the spirit of her grandmother. my father thinks cats are mine to call. i grew up in a house of primitive superstition and single-minded devotion to a god i’ve never seen. raised by people with one foot in a mythical past and one in a repressive present. people who still travel to the rez to escape at least some of the certainty of modern living. chasing uncertainty. wishing for the inexplicable. praying for mists.

i don’t hope that i will some day find something i can’t explain. i’m not that self-destructive. but when nina sings and things inside my chest rip apart, and i can feel the blood flow down my arms through outspread fingers, i think, maybe it doesn’t matter that all i’m feeling is just dopamine and they symmetry of a beautiful voice. i can spend all day investigating why we think what we think, and how we construct what we know and the forces that shape the machines of power, but i can still be stopped cold by beauty. i can still experience wonder.

it's the holidays

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:44:37 -0700

seriously. they jump me from behind every year.

this year i’ve decided to be lower stress. i say that every year, but this year i mean it.

i’m taking some time off with JJ. we’re not answering the phone. we may cook some tamales but otherwise, not big dinners. no silly parties.

yep. this year, i’m going to be sane.

uh huh

in the age of Dragons

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 23:48:09 -0700

so, still really sick. my body is forming to the shape of the couch. or the couch is the shape of me. i’m not sure which.

i’ve been playing Dragon Age. love it. i’m a human mage. i’ve been beating the beejeezies out of bad guys.

My students have been sending me emails about their confusion all weekend. I wish I had more time to spend with them. 2.5 hours a week isn’t nearly enough. That’s 5 hours total for 42 students. Do the math.

But, I love my job. I love my students. I love my research. This is a good place to be standing. Rather, lying down. So, if I have to wheeze and gasp my way through the next couple of weeks, so be it.

I am happy.

because i've lost my mind

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:27:54 -0700

i’m an artist with 6 weeks left until gift-related holidays.

my hands hurt and my coffee table is stacked with projects. that’s Michelle’s. that’s my MIL’s. that one is for my sister-in-law.there’s still Jules’ Russian (Orenburg) stole to tackle. and i’ve got it in my head that i must, must, must make my mother a table runner for Christmas dinner.

yes, because i have time to design and knit a table runner. i do have about 1200 yards of heavy lace-weight, candlelight silk that would work nicely - and depending on the length, width ratio, it wouldn’t take that much fiber, i don’t think? and since it’s going on a table, i don’t think i’ll bead it. could scratch the wood.

i was thinking a simpe celtic knot pattern down the middle and a knitted on, Victorian-style, triangle edging? it should be possible in about 50 hours of work. where i’m going to find this 50 hours, i have no idea. but i should be finished with school on or about the 12th, so that gives me almost a couple of weeks. that is if i finish my MILs massive silk shawl by then.

it’s round. pale pink. beaded. floral center, radiant arms, then concentric circles of different sizes of petals. i’m thinking i’ll edge it with a leaf trim that runs perpendicular to the petals but we’ll see how much time i have. i know she’ll love it and as the years have passed, i find myself wanting to convey to her how special she is. no, i don’t think we’re ever going to be great friends. and we certainly have very different ideas about far too many things, but she is extraordinary in her own way. and she gave birth to JJ. he’s the bridge between us.bec

i’d also like to finish at least one of these sweaters that’s lying around here. yeah, this is called OCD. it’s happening because i’m wired up on steroids and stimulants that are getting in the way of me managing my own madness. so, our coffee table looks like a textile shop blew up on it. JJ keeps shaking his head and smiling.

bad, bad, ugly mood

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:15:00 -0700

after several days straight at urgent care, they asked me not to come back, but instead, go to the hospital. i spend a day there and they said unless i wanted to be admitted for an extended stay, i should continue doing what we’re doing (which is a long list of ugly) and get in to see a pulmonologist this week.

the pulmonologist can’t see me for 2 weeks. i replied, “you understand that this is an emergency?” to which they replied, “well, if you had a referral from your GP, we might be able to work something out.” because what, my referral from the hospital is somehow on the wrong form?

can anyone get in to see their GP in less than 2 weeks?

so, if i suffocate, whose responsibility is this?

and you want to know the scary thing? this is preferred treatment. i have a history of respiratory failure, therefore, they’re doing everything they can to help me. because, you know, i almost died once before, so i’m likely to do it again.

i’m exhausted, overly-stimulated and overly drugged … and i’m really unhappy just at this moment.

grumpy

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:36:05 -0700

i’ve had acute asthma since Thursday evening. i’ve been at urgent care every day since. today they told me my next stop would be the hospital. that i need to be admitted for monitoring due to complications from H1N1.

see, i know i got my medical license on the internet, but i don’t think i had H1N1. on the other hand, i’m clearly maxed out on steroids and stimulants and they’re doing nothing.

i’m obsessed with 100% silk laceweight yarn. i’m currently working with claudia hand paints lace silk. this project is soft pink, and i bought it for my MIL, but it’s a good think i don’t like soft pink. i’d be keeping it for myself.

also, i want to be working on a research paper. but i can’t because i’m too wiped out. and my head hurts.

did i mention i was obsessed with Dexter too?

so that’s the end of my random thoughts.

night.

it's a little bit unsettling

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:10:27 -0700

so, i’m not the nicest teacher. i’m a tough grader, i give a lot of homework, i like things done a specific way. yet, so far more than 1/3 of my students from this semester have registered for my sections next semester.

i like them; they’re good students. but i’m not sure why they like me. not everyone has had registration appointments yet - mine isn’t until the 12th. i’m curious as to how it shakes out after all the schedules are finalized.

i’m looking at textbooks and starting lesson plans. i’m lobbying hard for a textbook that i think has a lot of relevance and is more accessible than our other choices. i’m thinking of things we can do to work on formal argumentation. i’m considering teaching Toulmin. the Greeks are on the list. i may do visual rhetoric. it’s going to be tough. i hope they still like me when it’s over :)

i’m in the middle of an on-going dispute with my office mate. i lock my computer, purse, ipod and messenger back in my office for a few minutes here or there. often, when i come back, the door is open and she is nowhere to be found. my desk is the closest to the door and my things are almost in arm’s reach of people passing in the hall. i already had a shuffle go missing this way. she refuses to change her behavior even though it’s dept policy that office doors are locked when no one is in them. our chair sends around weekly reminder to the effect because there have been a lot of thefts in the building and we’re trying to make it a less appealing target.

i was supposed to receive some resolution on the topic today, but i didn’t. i’m pretty unhappy about it.

i don’t want to be her officemate for three more years but i also don’t want to give up my other roomies. ideally, they’d stick her in a broom closet, but i’m not holding my breath.

a game of whisper down the lane

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:47:36 -0700

this blog is entirely JJ’s fault. i told him he was going in my blog and he laughed. hmmmmm. apparently the threat of a blog no one knows about isn’t terribly motivating… :)

so, i wrote a fair chunk of my master’s thesis in February, away from home. some of it was a Salty Senorita and some of it was on the return of JJ’s desk in his office. everyone knows me there. they stop in to say ‘hi’ and ask when i’m coming back. i say “never,” or i say, “i’m not even here now.” we all laugh. it’s a ritual.

i noticed that Hatch, a friend in the office, was leaving work on a relatively normal schedule on Friday nights. this is unheard of in software. JJ told me that Hatch, when questioned about leaving before nightfall on a friday, responds with, “I’m headed north for the weekend.” i witnessed this a couple of times and told JJ that i thought Hatch had a girlfriend who worked in our offices.

JJ apparently told another friend, Erik, that i suspected Hatch was seeing someone from the office. JJ reported to me last night (so, this is 8 months later) that Erik had been snooping around and has discovered some circumstantial evidence connecting Hatch to a lovely woman in the office. Erik reported this to Hatch to report to me.

i was stunned. first JJ told Erik i’d read someone’s nonverbals and determined office romance? then Erik, whose highly technical, high-level job requires every ounce of his attention, somehow has not forgotten this piece of gossip and actually made a small effort at sourcing it? and finally, they’re both very amused that i tagged Hatch, who has managed not to slip up about his secret for more than 8 months? bad! bad i say!

ok, in hindsight, i can see how this is *kind of* my fault. if Hatch wanted us to know about the office romance, he would have told us. on the other hand, it’s kind of hard for me to turn off the watching. it’s not like i went through his desk or anything, i said goodnight to him on two sequential fridays. he could have looked less like a man slipping off to an illicit meeting, right?

the fault here is with JJ and Erik for being bad. yes. i said it, bad. next thing you know, there will be pranks to hint at Hatch that they’re onto him. but no one can reasonably pin the imminent mischief on me. i’m just saying.

performing femininity

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:58:00 -0700

i’m in the middle of a conversation about an instance of a woman reporting her miscarriage on Twitter. it’s a grad class discussion. i don’t think it’s falling in my favor.

issues of whether or not i want Trunk anywhere near my sibs and their fertility issues aside, i have to say that i’m aggravated by the backlash linked to notions of “propriety.” she’s supposed to be heartbroken and she’s supposed to keep it a secret.

these “supposed to”s presume 1) that all women want children and 2) that women’s bodies are in some way unspeakable.

i have a number of issues with these two assumptions, but the one i’m pointing to here is about the inappropriateness of a miscarriage at work which inconveniently complicates our notions of women’s bodies at work.

it’s hard to argue with me about the points that come next because i’ve been swimming in corporate waters a long time. the corporate hierarchy-competition model mimics the social models of heterosexual masculinity. this is a cultural model that delineates women as sexual objects by definition. at work, our sexuality is never off stage. but maternity is another matter, isn’t it?

who can decide what is and isn’t “appropriate” where women’s bodies are concerned?

i have never wanted to be a mother. it doesn’t make me shallow, mean, selfish or broken. although i’ve been told all of those things and more. i don’t really like children. and i don’t think it’s a great idea to launch my own family on the hope that “it’s different when they’re your own.”

i agree that children are central to our communities, that children should be safe, protected, healthy and educated, and that it is the moral obligation of all of us to see to it that all these needs are met. it’s why i spend so much time and resources advocating on their behalf. but it’s not guilt that drives me. it’s justice.

i’m not saying that i want to give up shoes and lip gloss. i just want to stretch the definitions a little. if you want to be parents, fine. if you love children, even better. don’t listen to the master myth that says my feelings invalidate yours. they simply don’t.

unfortunate applications of the Bedazzler

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:42:28 -0700

ok, i don’t think of myself as particularly modest or conservative, but seriously, Miami has some personal taste issues.

i don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, child or adult, there is no rational reason for rhinestones on your pants.

why are you wearing stilettos on the boardwalk. wait. nevermind why. HOW are you wearing those shoes on the boardwalk without breaking your heel or your ankle?

who first thought, i know, i’ll smash up mint, lime and sugar, then i’ll add rum and ice, and it will be great!? it’s like alcoholic candy in a glass. it’s wrong. and minty.

and there are entirely too many chandeliers here. they’re an impractical mode of lighting for anyone over 5’5”.

also, all of your notions of swimwear need to be rethought. all of them.

and jewelry. you people were a lot of jewelery. a lot. and i’m from Scottsdale.

ow! my eyes!

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 23:54:48 -0700

i have eye strain. it’s happened before when i work too many hours in a row, too many days in a row. usually, we’re talking more than two weeks straight and more than 12-14 hours per day. oh, wait. that’s been my life these last few weeks.

i’ve been reading a lot. a couple of books and a handful of articles per week. plus around 200 pages of student writing per week. i’ve been writing a lot too. all of it on my computer. it’s all fun and games until someone puts an eye out.

as usual, i need to figure out how to balance my work and my life. if permitted, i will do nothing but work and sleep. and not so much with the sleep. i’m not a perfectionist, i’m more a revisionist. i think of whatever i’m doing at the moment as the first pass. it can always be polished, rethought, more effective, whatever. i’m perpetually trying to get better at the things i do.

and i like the challenge.

but i haven’t spent much time with JJ lately. i’ve skipped too many Monday nights with the girls. i’m skipping game nights and Thursday nights because what i’m doing now is new, and i’m invested in the learning curve. it’s a shiny, new challenge for me.

i’m probably not going to even want to check my impulse to learn new skills and ideas. that’s just too much to ask of anyone. but i think i need to set some limits on how many hours a day i’m devoting to work. and when midnight rolls around and i decide i’d rather keep going thinking about sleep, i’ll try to check that impulse at least half of my nights. speaking of midnight … g’night.

what would Neo do?

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 10:27:00 -0700

i’m introducing my students to critical lenses of race and gender this week.

there’s a funny story about how i was showing a slide consolidation of the consumer markets they’d associated themselves with (it was a homework assignment). many of my students tagged themselves as gamers, but one mentioned that gaming is marketed directly to males through the way it leverages female sexuality. in my slide presentation, i included game images alongside an image of the Frag Dolls, Ubisoft’s competitive, title-winning team. my class thought they were some kind of “dance crew” to promote gaming. you know, like the Phoenix Suns Dancers. i’m not saying that i can’t see the confusion. mostly. i do think it’s funny, that Halo and Call of Duty apparently merit cheerleaders.

somehow the universe always arranges itself so that while i’m immersed in an idea for one class, project or paper, all of the other things i’m doing are also, coincidentally, trying to keep my head below the surface in the same pool of thought. while i’m talking to my students about sexuality in advertising, i’m rehashing Butler in pedagogy and defending conflict within a feminist dialectic in comp. i’ve somehow managed to round all the bases of contemporary feminism over the weekend.

last night, i was with my Monday night girls. they’re different from the Tuesday night girls in that the Monday night girls are about craft and relationship and the Tuesday night girls are about alcohol and performance. yes, i also see the irony.

last night, we were talking about the power of passive-aggressive speech patterns. i won’t use them when i’m working which has some of my students, who expect the maternal model of the high school teacher, finding me “intimidating” and “scary.” but i haven’t explained it to them. no more than i’ll explain that my default is always coalition building over competition but assuming that i’m not ambitious nor sure of my competence is faulty reductionism. it’s not that i don’t understand the masculine hierarchy, i simply reject being defined by it.

S points out that as long as she’s known me, i avoid these confrontations. she’s right. almost always, if you say or do something to me, unless we’re in my own home, that trips my alarms, i’ll simply let it go. if you’re hurting someone else, i’l likely get involved. but if it’s me, i think you’re either a well-meaning soul who forgot yourself for a second, and you’re just as trapped in Butler’s heterosexual matrix of power as the rest of us, in which case, why would i hold you responsible for that? or you’re another one of those people who leverages your position to silence others. in that case, you’re not worth my energy. S thinks as a champion, i’m a bit disappointing.

maybe.

null value exception (updated 10/12)

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 23:44:00 -0700

today is National Coming Out Day 2009. Sam wanted me to donate my fb status to her cause. it would have read: My Name ” is gay. It is National Coming Out Day and I pledge to have heartfelt conversations for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality.”

i feel pretty bad about not doing it. fb isn’t exactly neutral territory and i don’t want to kick up sediment. at the same time i’m making snarky comments about women and pastries with niko and john on twitter, and i’m unconcerned about any potential fallout there. either i worry less about losing john and niko, or i believe they love me more than my fictive family on fb. i don’t think i want to consider those options too closely.

i’ve been thinking a lot about the protocols of networks. (i’ll skip all the theoretical parts because i’m the only one who thinks this stuff is interesting.) i’m free to make any choice. yet the outcomes of those choices are constrained by the choices of the people with whom i’m connected. i posted a fb status about losing and DG, and a girl from my gradeschool days, a woman who thinks of herself as one of my older sisters even though i haven’t seen her in more than 20 years, took it upon herself to jump, half-joking, to my defense. first, he isn’t someone i need to be protected from, and second, i wasn’t unhappy, i was playing with him. of course, he already knows both of these things.

her motives aren’t really to protect me but to try to re-establish (reinforce?) a social order and a hierarchy where she was important and loved. of course, i still value her. i loaned her my prom dress and helped her sew straps on it because she, like all of our sisters, was obsessed with modesty. i couldn’t lose her without losing them all, and then losing my sister, and then JJ’s family and then it all comes apart. possibly it would make the holidays easier though … :)

i don’t think i could lose john and niko. and shan and cara. and scribe and solace. and all the zombie slayers whose autumnal fest i’m missing. if all the words that have passed between us didn’t break us, precious little will. if anyone knows anything about the process of becoming, it is them. and that is why, actually, they’re so different than the fb people i grew up with. because those people from 20 years ago are almost exactly as they’ve ever been. they don’t know much about the struggle and the pain of finding your own path, whether you had to go to Leeds or culinary school to get there from here.

of 20 years ago, there is no going back to that place. it is behind us by decades of iteration. but that does not mean that she and our sisters won’t try. they’re the forces of protocol who wish to return us to a past that never really was. or wasn’t for me. i supposed they enjoyed, ok, i’m stopping here because if i have to think about church camp or volleyball or singing, the anxiety will choke me.

in this present, Sam and I are ride-sharing in the same direction. i should tell her that. at least we’re on our way together to get new tattoos. :)

i’m wandering. i had a point. it was about the thousand little steps between who i was and who i am. how it’s not a straight line. and along the way i passed over, around and through the paths of others. the way our fates are intertwined whether i wish it or not. how i can only travel so far with each choice before i have to negotiate the space with the choices of others. so, i can’t change my fb status to say that i’m gay and that i pledge to have heartfelt conversations for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality. and Sam likely knows i can’t because she’s caught in the same web of choices.

but it does have me thinking about whether or not i should, at this juncture, reconfigure my friends. all of this remembering my audience and parsing my words is exhausting. and i get tired of serving as a place holder for people who take more than they give.

update 10/12:

Sam has this to say:

I half expected people to freak out here & that is quite all right with me. The point of coming out is to live your life in truth. I’m still working on that part. It’s a difficulty. To say that self-awareness has been the biggest struggle of my adult life would be an understatement. There’s a lot of guilt & denial & blame & anger… I’ve known since I was little way before we even met but I just couldn’t define it. How could I-growing up in a seminary & I was utterly boy crazy!

blackmail

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:24:43 -0700

what’s the deal with extortionists? how many cases have we seen this year alone?

my life and my history couldn’t bear up under even cursory scrutiny. could yours? doesn’t that make us hypocrites that we set the standard so ridiculously high for people in the public eye?

seems like some people should try to get day jobs.

a hundred things to do

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 10:05:46 -0700

at the end of the day, there are always dozens of more things on my list. i feel like i’m behind on everything, except for when i think people are late, don’t answer my email, won’t call me back, etc.

so, i’m not so certain that i’m behind. i’m starting to wonder if i’ve adopted the digital standard of immediacy. if it’s not down now, if all the status bars aren’t full, i’m behind.

so, what to do about it? i’m thinking of starting with breakfast and working from there.

i want sugar

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 12:49:29 -0700

just this moment, i want decent pastries. not the grocery store kind. the Willo bakery kind. well, ok, any decent bakery really.

why won’t Willo delivery those cheese danish things to my house?

earnest humor

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 10:10:53 -0700

you know what never gets old? the answers that students submit for quiz questions on texts they haven’t read.

my favorite to date is a student who, when asked to name two footwear mistakes an American made while staying in a Ryokan:

she wore uncomfortable shoes that were open-toed.

i presume my student meant because it is after Labor Day :)