2C (not two cents)

21st November 2009

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it's the holidays

seriously. they jump me from behind every year.

this year i’ve decided to be lower stress. i say that every year, but this year i mean it.

i’m taking some time off with JJ. we’re not answering the phone. we may cook some tamales but otherwise, not big dinners. no silly parties.

yep. this year, i’m going to be sane.

uh huh

15th November 2009

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in the age of Dragons

so, still really sick. my body is forming to the shape of the couch. or the couch is the shape of me. i’m not sure which.

i’ve been playing Dragon Age. love it. i’m a human mage. i’ve been beating the beejeezies out of bad guys.

My students have been sending me emails about their confusion all weekend. I wish I had more time to spend with them. 2.5 hours a week isn’t nearly enough. That’s 5 hours total for 42 students. Do the math.

But, I love my job. I love my students. I love my research. This is a good place to be standing. Rather, lying down. So, if I have to wheeze and gasp my way through the next couple of weeks, so be it.

I am happy.

12th November 2009

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because i've lost my mind

i’m an artist with 6 weeks left until gift-related holidays.

my hands hurt and my coffee table is stacked with projects. that’s Michelle’s. that’s my MIL’s. that one is for my sister-in-law.there’s still Jules’ Russian (Orenburg) stole to tackle. and i’ve got it in my head that i must, must, must make my mother a table runner for Christmas dinner.

yes, because i have time to design and knit a table runner.  i do have about 1200 yards of heavy lace-weight, candlelight silk that would work nicely - and depending on the length, width ratio, it wouldn’t take that much fiber, i don’t think?  and since it’s going on a table, i don’t think i’ll bead it. could scratch the wood.

i was thinking a simpe celtic knot pattern down the middle and a knitted on, Victorian-style, triangle edging?  it should be possible in about 50 hours of work. where i’m going to find this 50 hours, i have no idea. but i should be finished with school on or about the 12th, so that gives me almost a couple of weeks. that is if i finish my MILs massive silk shawl by then.

it’s round. pale pink. beaded. floral center, radiant arms, then concentric circles of different sizes of petals. i’m thinking i’ll edge it with a leaf trim that runs perpendicular to the petals but we’ll see how much time i have. i know she’ll love it and as the years have passed, i find myself wanting to convey to her how special she is. no, i don’t think we’re ever going to be great friends. and we certainly have very different ideas about far too many things, but she is extraordinary in her own way. and she gave birth to JJ. he’s the bridge between us.bec

i’d also like to finish at least one of these sweaters that’s lying around here.  yeah, this is called OCD. it’s happening because i’m wired up on steroids and stimulants that are getting in the way of me managing my own madness. so, our coffee table looks like a textile shop blew up on it. JJ keeps shaking his head and smiling.

11th November 2009

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bad, bad, ugly mood

after several days straight at urgent care, they asked me not to come back, but instead, go to the hospital. i spend a day there and they said unless i wanted to be admitted for an extended stay, i should continue doing what we’re doing (which is a long list of ugly) and get in to see a pulmonologist this week.

the pulmonologist can’t see me for 2 weeks. i replied, “you understand that this is an emergency?” to which they replied, “well, if you had a referral from your GP, we might be able to work something out.” because what, my referral from the hospital is somehow on the wrong form?

can anyone get in to see their GP in less than 2 weeks?

so, if i suffocate, whose responsibility is this?

and you want to know the scary thing? this is preferred treatment. i have a history of respiratory failure, therefore, they’re doing everything they can to help me. because, you know, i almost died once before, so i’m likely to do it again.

i’m exhausted, overly-stimulated and overly drugged … and i’m really unhappy just at this moment.

8th November 2009

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grumpy

i’ve had acute asthma since Thursday evening. i’ve been at urgent care every day since. today they told me my next stop would be the hospital. that i need to be admitted for monitoring due to complications from H1N1.

see, i know i got my medical license on the internet, but i don’t think i had H1N1. on the other hand, i’m clearly maxed out on steroids and stimulants and they’re doing nothing.

i’m obsessed with 100% silk laceweight yarn. i’m currently working with claudia hand paints lace silk. this project is soft pink, and i bought it for my MIL, but it’s a good think i don’t like soft pink. i’d be keeping it for myself.

also, i want to be working on a research paper. but i can’t because i’m too wiped out. and my head hurts.

did i mention i was obsessed with Dexter too?

so that’s the end of my random thoughts.

night.

4th November 2009

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it's a little bit unsettling

so, i’m not the nicest teacher. i’m a tough grader, i give a lot of homework, i like things done a specific way. yet, so far more than 1/3 of my students from this semester have registered for my sections next semester.

i like them; they’re good students. but i’m not sure why they like me. not everyone has had registration appointments yet - mine isn’t until the 12th. i’m curious as to how it shakes out after all the schedules are finalized.

i’m looking at textbooks and starting lesson plans. i’m lobbying hard for a textbook that i think has a lot of relevance and is more accessible than our other choices. i’m thinking of things we can do to work on formal argumentation. i’m considering teaching Toulmin. the Greeks are on the list. i may do visual rhetoric. it’s going to be tough. i hope they still like me when it’s over :)

i’m in the middle of an on-going dispute with my office mate. i lock my computer, purse, ipod and messenger back in my office for a few minutes here or there. often, when i come back, the door is open and she is nowhere to be found. my desk is the closest to the door and my things are almost in arm’s reach of people passing in the hall. i already had a shuffle go missing this way. she refuses to change her behavior even though it’s dept policy that office doors are locked when no one is in them. our chair sends around weekly reminder to the effect because there have been a lot of thefts in the building and we’re trying to make it a less appealing target.

i was supposed to receive some resolution on the topic today, but i didn’t. i’m pretty unhappy about it.

i don’t want to be her officemate for three more years but i also don’t want to give up my other roomies. ideally, they’d stick her in a broom closet, but i’m not holding my breath.

30th October 2009

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a game of whisper down the lane

this blog is entirely JJ’s fault. i told him he was going in my blog and he laughed. hmmmmm. apparently the threat of a blog no one knows about isn’t terribly motivating… :)

so, i wrote a fair chunk of my master’s thesis in February, away from home. some of it was a Salty Senorita and some of it was on the return of JJ’s desk in his office. everyone knows me there. they stop in to say ‘hi’ and ask when i’m coming back. i say “never,” or i say, “i’m not even here now.” we all laugh. it’s a ritual.

i noticed that Hatch, a friend in the office, was leaving work on a relatively normal schedule on Friday nights. this is unheard of in software. JJ told me that Hatch, when questioned about leaving before nightfall on a friday, responds with, “I’m headed north for the weekend.” i witnessed this a couple of times and told JJ that i thought Hatch had a girlfriend who worked in our offices.

JJ apparently told another friend, Erik, that i suspected Hatch was seeing someone from the office.  JJ reported to me last night (so, this is 8 months later) that Erik had been  snooping around and has discovered some circumstantial evidence connecting Hatch to a lovely woman in the office. Erik reported this to Hatch to report to me.

i was stunned. first JJ told Erik i’d read someone’s nonverbals and determined office romance? then Erik, whose highly technical, high-level job requires every ounce of his attention, somehow has not forgotten this piece of gossip and actually made a small effort at sourcing it? and finally, they’re both very amused that i tagged Hatch, who has managed not to slip up about his secret for more than 8 months?  bad! bad i say!

ok, in hindsight, i can see how this is *kind of* my fault. if Hatch wanted us to know about the office romance, he would have told us. on the other hand, it’s kind of hard for me to turn off the watching. it’s not like i went through his desk or anything, i said goodnight to him on two sequential fridays. he could have looked less like a man slipping off to an illicit meeting, right?

the fault here is with JJ and Erik for being bad. yes. i said it, bad. next thing you know, there will be pranks to hint at Hatch that they’re onto him. but no one can reasonably pin the imminent mischief on me. i’m just saying.

25th October 2009

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performing femininity

i’m in the middle of a conversation about an instance of a woman reporting her miscarriage on Twitter. it’s a grad class discussion. i don’t think it’s falling in my favor.

issues of whether or not i want Trunk anywhere near my sibs and their fertility issues aside, i have to say that i’m aggravated by the backlash linked to notions of “propriety.” she’s supposed to be heartbroken and she’s supposed to keep it a secret.

these “supposed to”s presume 1) that all women want children and 2) that women’s bodies are in some way unspeakable.

i have a number of issues with these two assumptions, but the one i’m pointing to here is about the inappropriateness of a  miscarriage at work which inconveniently complicates our notions of women’s bodies at work.

it’s hard to argue with me about the points that come next because i’ve been swimming in corporate waters a long time. the corporate hierarchy-competition model mimics the social models of heterosexual masculinity. this is a cultural model that delineates women as sexual objects by definition. at work, our sexuality is never off stage. but maternity is another matter, isn’t it?

who can decide what is and isn’t “appropriate” where women’s bodies are concerned?

i have never wanted to be a mother. it doesn’t make me shallow, mean, selfish or broken. although i’ve been told all of those things and more. i don’t really like children. and i don’t think it’s a great idea to launch my own family on the hope that “it’s different when they’re your own.”

i agree that children are central to our communities, that children should be safe, protected, healthy and educated, and that it is the moral obligation of all of us to see to it that all these needs are met. it’s why i spend so much time and resources advocating on their behalf. but it’s not guilt that drives me. it’s justice.

i’m not saying that i want to give up shoes and lip gloss. i just want to stretch the definitions a little. if you want to be parents, fine. if you love children, even better. don’t listen to the master myth that says my feelings invalidate yours. they simply don’t.

20th October 2009

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unfortunate applications of the Bedazzler

ok, i don’t think of myself as particularly modest or conservative, but seriously, Miami has some personal taste issues.

i don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, child or adult, there is no rational reason for rhinestones on your pants.

why are you wearing stilettos on the boardwalk. wait. nevermind why. HOW are you wearing those shoes on the boardwalk without breaking your heel or your ankle?

who first thought, i know, i’ll smash up mint, lime and sugar, then i’ll add rum and ice, and it will be great!? it’s like alcoholic candy in a glass. it’s wrong. and minty.

and there are entirely too many chandeliers here. they’re an impractical mode of lighting for anyone over 5’5”.

also, all of your notions of swimwear need to be rethought. all of them.

and jewelry. you people were a lot of jewelery. a lot. and i’m from Scottsdale.

14th October 2009

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ow! my eyes!

i have eye strain. it’s happened before when i work too many hours in a row, too many days in a row. usually, we’re talking more than two weeks straight and more than 12-14 hours per day. oh, wait. that’s been my life these last few weeks.

i’ve been reading a lot. a couple of books and a handful of articles per week. plus around 200 pages of student writing per week. i’ve been writing a lot too. all of it on my computer. it’s all fun and games until someone puts an eye out.

as usual, i need to figure out how to balance my work and my life. if permitted, i will do nothing but work and sleep.  and not so much with the sleep. i’m not a perfectionist, i’m more a revisionist. i think of whatever i’m doing at the moment as the first pass. it can always be polished, rethought, more effective, whatever. i’m perpetually trying to get better at the things i do.

and i like the challenge.

but i haven’t spent much time with JJ lately. i’ve skipped too many Monday nights with the girls. i’m skipping game nights and Thursday nights because what i’m doing now is new, and i’m invested in the learning curve.  it’s a shiny, new challenge for me.

i’m probably not going to even want to check my impulse to learn new skills and ideas. that’s just too much to ask of anyone. but i think i need to set some limits on how many hours a day i’m devoting to work. and when midnight rolls around and i decide i’d rather keep going thinking about sleep, i’ll try to check that impulse at least half of my nights. speaking of midnight … g’night.